Terror at Bigfoot Pond Review

What can I say about Terror at Bigfoot Pond? The answer is in the name – it’s terrible. It’s not just terrible, it is its own unique level of terrible. This movie is so bad not even an episode of MST3K could save it.

Where to even start? The dialogue seems to be entirely improvised, by a rainbow cast of stereotypes.  The photography is bad, the “creature” is comical, and, the pond seems more of a swampy depression.

Let’s dig into this stinker.

What is Terror at Bigfoot Pond about?

We open with a couple in New Mexico. Tommy talks about the mountains and Karen has her breasts out within the first 46 seconds. This made me think the movie had promise. The duration of the film start to visible breast ratio is to be admired and respected. If you’re into that kind of thing….

What follows is the couple back in the car and more than 7 minutes of credits (for an 80-minute film) and b-roll shot through a dirty truck windshield. The credits are so badly done they must have been composed by one of the cast member’s kid brothers. Bargain artists on Fiverr produce better work.

Approaching nine minutes in and they arrive at the campsite – Bigfoot Pond – where they meet their friends. Who is the rest of the cast? Let’s see:

  • An Asian girl
  • A black girl
  • A Latino hippy
  • A forgettable Caucasian man and woman

The scenes are pure cringe.  Whoever took credit for the screenplay is taking credit for cringey improv.

At 13 minutes in and Karen – also hippy-dressed “free spirit” – asks if they want to go skinny-dipping in the “pond.” The cast strips off and awkwardly gets in the water. The camera is too far away to make this scene even semi-enjoyable. Four semi-naked women in a drainage ditch offers cinematic possibilities –  why leave the camera 40 feet away?  There’s a couple of bad digital zooms done in post – but they are pointless additions.

Next scene: They are all sitting in the dark. Tommy hands out new GoPros to everyone so they can film their adventure. Noises are heard from the woods. The friends get spooked. Bigfoot watches, unseen. Scary!

Bigfoot next appears close to camp and opens the cooler! Does he want a beer? A Coke? A hard lemonade? We don’t know, like most of the other cast members he stares dumbly at the camera.

They eat but are spooked by noises from the woods. Is it a raccoon? A rabid beaver? They all investigate – and while gone Bigfoot invades camp and steals their roasting chicken. The rogue! I’d have a lot more respect for the cryptid if he ate the campers. Please.

Time to bone

They return, more spooked as the food has vanished. Bigfoot did not steal the veggie burgers. If nothing else, the big man has some semblance of taste.  They skip to dessert and to get the ensemble’s mind off the spooky noises the resident hippy starts to play his drum.  Of course. We can only be thankful it wasn’t a full hippy drum circle, then there really would have been Terror at Bigfoot Pond.

Hippy drummer in Terror at Bigfoot Pond
Hippy drummer in Terror at Bigfoot Pond

The four girls go topless and robotically walk (unenthusiastically dance) around the fire. But, naked breasts are naked breasts. The men join in and they pair off for a little romp in the hay. The drainage ditch, campfire, and hippy drumming apparently stimulated their loins.

Tommy has set up an air mattress by the pond/swamp for him and Karen. As Karen rides Tommy, Bigfoot sidles in, snaps her neck, and drags her body away. Let this be a lesson to you kids – don’t be the first one to pull out your sweater puppets in a film.  Tommy lost in ecstasy doesn’t notice his sex partner is missing until Bigfoot is long gone.  Even better – this was supposed to be during the night – but as the two engage in coitus dusk or dawn are clearly visible on the horizon.

The couples emerge from the tents after their snog and sit around the campfire. In the distance, Tommy can be heard calling for Karen. In a twist of fate, Bigfoot takes the GoPro from Karen’s head and starts to wear it – so far, other than breasts, this has been the only interesting development 45 minutes into this film.

This is followed closely by the drum-playing hippy having his neck snapped by Bigfoot. Good job, big man! His girlfriend comes looking for him and is killed by a bear hug with a satisfying crunch of bones.

The not-dead friends wonder where the balance of their party is and go looking. They find two bodies and one friend bolts. The other two decide the head back to the cars in hopes of getting cell reception.  All of this is interspaced with footage and growls from Bigfoot’s GoPro.  Odd. Bigfoot seems to be using a flashlight.

Bigfoot is one big step ahead. The furry monster has ripped wires out of the car engines.  The useless long-hair loses his shit being unable to escape.

White Girl #2 is attacked by Bigfoot. A scream queen she is not. Our fluffy savior is chased away by White Boy #2 brandishing a torch.  Seriously, Bigfoot. You’re scared of a torch? It’s not a threat if you pull his arm off.

Token black girl tries to escape on her own using her compass and making her walking stick into a spear. Bigfoot don’t care, he growls that less-than-menacing growl and attacks her anyways. Somehow, she escapes and attempts to follow the stars to the nearest highway.

This is all interspaced with endless first-person shots of Bigfoot wandering through the woods while huffing and puffing. He needs to work on his cardio game.

There is so much padding that even Roger Corman would be ashamed.

The other couple stumbles into Bigfoot’s camp, complete with campfire, bones, and a fresh torso. Of course, the wannabe scream queen screams. I figured Bigfoot for a cave-dweller, but who am I? Not a filmmaker.

After they look around camp they see a huddled figure in token black girl’s yellow bandana. They approach, calling her name and shaking her shoulder. In one of the only unique twists in the film, the yellow bandana girls turn, rises, and reveals themselves as Bigfoot. And he’s pissed. He breaks the long-hair’s neck and then starts an MMA-style ground-and-pound. The girl runs, shot in first-person, in the dark, full Blair Witch style.

Bigfoot finds the wandering white girl and dispatches her efficiently.

Bringing the turd to the end – finally

Black girl has made it to a road of sorts. It’s dawn as she walks on, obviously tired. Bigfoot appears and a fight ensues. Suddenly it is nighttime again. Where did the dawn go? Who knows. Continuity doesn’t seem to be in play.

With her sharpened stick, she gets in a few good licks against the Footman, who eventually flees, in a scene that is again shot at dawn. Continuing down the road a truck stops and gives her a ride. She explains all her friends are dead because of Bigfoot. The truck’s driver doesn’t seem to be surprised with the admission.

The end of Terror at Bigfoot Pond? Let's hope so.
The end of Terror at Bigfoot Pond? Let’s hope so.

More bad b-roll out the truck window as the credits start.

Fin.

Thank Christ.

Who stars in Terror at Bigfoot Pond

Emerald Fowler … Kelly (as Emerald Albritton)

Marcus DeVries … Tommy

Shoshanah Gilbert … Karen

Scarlett Hotovec … Jewel

Robin Jones … Johnnie

Genelyn McFarlane … Tala

Tome Trujillo … Darryl

Thomas Vigil … Bigfoot

Georgia Whittaker … Maria

Who’s behind the production?

Directed; David Rambaldi

Music: Ben Zaher

Cinematography: Denny Shoopman

Film Editing: Ed Wood

Is there a trailer for Terror at Bigfoot Pond?

Yes. Not official – because not even a trailer can generate excitement about this waste of media.  A fan has created the following trailer.

Should I see Terror at Bigfoot Pond?

No. Under no circumstance. Even though it posted in full on YouTube – don’t watch it – even “under the influence.” No good will come from that. I’ve watched it twice to write this review. The psychological damage may fade, with time. I may have PTSD flashbacks when I hear “Bigfoot”

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